Monday came in like a naked Miley Cyrus on a wrecking ball….it was strange!
My boss informed me yesterday that after 11 years and 1 month working in my current branch with the same colleagues for that whole time, that I’ll be moving to a new branch next month. Naturally, my colleagues are devastated and have started a ‘SAVE ANG petition’ which already has 5 signatures. A whole 5!
I’m not one of those people who can’t cope with change (probably why I have been nominated), the reason for my 11 years service is purely contentment and laziness on my part. However I must confess it is going to be pretty weird not working there. If things don’t work out at my new branch I suppose I can always use it as the push I need to find a new career…
Guys I haven’t had a job interview or typed a CV for over a decade. What?! I wouldn’t even know where to start….
Name: Angela, Ang, Funsize Ang, Shorty
Twitter: _AngelaMartin_ (I’m a bad tweeter though)
I was born to be a lady of leisure, spending my days brunching and sipping mimosas on a yacht in the French Riviera, unfortunately my bank balance does not fund the lifestyle I was destined for, sadly this forces me to endure the daily grind. I am looking for a position that will compliment the lifestyle I am cruelly missing out on with minimum workload and maximum salary. I would bring a sparkle of joy to your company by boosting staff morale with my strange sense of humour, clumsiness and and impeccably bad time keeping. I feel every workplace would benefit from having a token short person… me! I also promise to bring cakes in every Friday!!
Graduated Primary School -1995 -toilet trained and tying own shoe laces
Graduated High School -2001 -8 standard grades, 6 highers and lifelong besties.
Graduated University -2005 -1 degree, a few ex boyfriends and an unhealthy diet of vodka and baked beans.
I love to learn and continually further my education daily with the help of Google Search Engine. I have also taken additional classes whilst working full time including cocktail making, pole-dancing, boxing, make-up application, yoga and conversational French language… Un verre de vin blanc, s’il vous plait.
My experience of work to date is very similar to that of Dolly Parton’s which she absolutely nailed in the infamous 9 till 5 ……The struggle is real!
SKILLS & ACHIEVEMENTS
Master of Arts in quoting Harry Potter movies, Kevin McAllister from Home Alone and Maverick from Top Gun , can also sing/rap along to the entire 50cent – Get Rich or Die Tryin album.
…you guys give up or ya thirsty for more?….
Moderately fluent in emoji and txt abbr.
Can pull off convincing Irish, Jamaican, Australian, Scouse and Meerkat (from compare the market ad) accents… convincing to myself only.
Cereal box game champion 1996-1998
Have not yet mastered MS Excel application but comfortable with snapchat, boomerang and Instagram
Can simultaneously chat in 4 different group chats.
I RAN A MARATHON…a FULL marathon
Master false eyelash applicator
Excellent hug giver
Can walk/dance in 5 inch heels without breaking ankles/legs/neck – probably should take re-test after spending 6 months in running shoes
Successfully drive to work for a week with the fuel gauge reading EMPTY
clean driving licence
Extremely generous and charitable, have raised ££££’s for different charities, donate blood twice a year and also on the a stem cell and organ donor register.
Self taught air guitar player
Ability to keep a dog alive (day 4 of dog-sitting going well)
I RAN A FREAKING MARATHON
Comfortably sit in the rear middle seat of a car without blocking drivers rear view
Excellent judge of character, my first impressions of people usually turn out to be correct.
I make getting drunk on half a bottle of wine look easy
I RAN 26.2 MILES
collector hoarder of shoes and apparently also of clothes that no longer fit. Regularly (but not very recently) found in the gym in an effort to balance out chocolate, cheese and champagne addictions. Keen photographer… when full of Hendricks Gin or Snapchat add new filters. Fond of music, a love for attending gigs, festivals and daily participating in car kareoke. Loyal and veteran member of large international youth organisation- The Bey Hive. In my free time I enjoy Netflix and chill watching movies in my pyjamas or ‘lounge wear’, being little spoon and eating sugar loaded snacks. I have a particularly expensive taste in alcoholic beverages my favourite being a good Pornstar Martini followed very closely by a Classic Mojito, both even more enjoyable when being sipped on the beach or on a rooftop terrace near the Mediterranean. I thrive when entertaining guests making babies and children laugh at me till their little bellies hurt.
My MUM who only ever says lovely things about me… most of the time.
What do you think guys, would you hire me?
Any hidden talents you wish you could add to your resume?
Thanks for reading
Have a great day – Happy 4th July to my American friends